The Perfectly Imperfect Marriage

It’s been two weeks since I yelled at my husband and told him to go f**k himself. Twice to be exact. It doesn’t really matter what it was about because frankly in any long-term relationships you realize after a few go-rounds that you essentially have the same fight periodically – like Groundhog day. But they all come down to the same issue/s: you don’t communicate, you don’t value me, you don’t have sex with me enough – I think that about covers the top three.

And it doesn’t matter if you are married or not. I’m just cheating by using marriage to refer to any long-term relationship. But marriage certificate or no, if you are trying to hold together a meaningful relationship – especially while trying to raise a family and maintain a career – you will fight with your partner.

And doesn’t it just make you feel sick to your stomach when it happens? I mean as much as I know it is a fact of life, when my hubby and I have the occasional marital discord it’s almost more than a sob session, a bottle of Pinot Noir, and an hour long girlfriend gab session can fix. Let’s not get crazy, I said almost.

Because I truly, deeply, passionately believe that when bad stuff happens in your relationship you need to talk to someone about it – your mother, your girlfriends, your therapist. Because it’s the keeping it bottled up inside like some shameful shortcoming that makes it so painful. And let’s face it this marriage thing takes a village. Being in a long-term partnership is not for the faint of heart. You need your group of supporters telling you that this too shall pass – that they have the same struggles in their marriage. Because when you see that everyone shares these same struggles – and gets through them – you all of a sudden feel empowered and purposeful. Which is so much better than being a weepy hot mess.

Have you ever had a friend who seemingly had the most perfect marriage and then suddenly she announces that she is getting a divorce? Telling the world – and more importantly yourself – that you never have challenges in your marriage is the fastest way to land in divorce court. There is nothing wrong with you if you hit a road bump. Talk to your girlfriends, get their perspective and support and face your challenge head on.

And don’t be afraid to call in the professionals occasionally. Counseling is the equivalent of asking the refs to review a play. Sometimes you just want an impartial third-party giving you some guidance. Someone who doesn’t have skin in the game giving you a perspective that if it came out of your husband’s mouth might elicit the stink eye and a day or two of the silent treatment can actually sound like a great idea when it comes from someone you are shelling out some cold hard cash to listen to.

So ladies, drop the “everything is fine” act and embrace your relationship warts and all! Because perfect is never as much fun or interesting as it’s cracked up to be!

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