A Day of Debauchery

Yesterday the inmates ran the prison and it was insanely fantastic. July 4th falling on a Wednesday created the perfect storm for our family. Most of the 4th was spent knocking out housework typically reserved for the weekend which meant that there wasn’t much in the way of cleaning to be done come Saturday. On top of that because it is a holiday weekend and about 150 degrees in Phoenix no one was in town. This translated into no games, practices, play dates, family visits, birthday parties, or chores. Nada.

So Saturday morning the realization hit like a ton of brick – we have nothing scheduled and nowhere we need to be. Or as my husband put it to the children: “Mama didn’t plan anything for us to do today.” Which elicited a dramatic eye roll from yours truly. The children were actually confused at first because we then asked them to come up with ideas for things they’d like to do that day. Blank stares and eventual whining from my eight-year-old were not the responses I expected. It was sort of like the last scene in The Hurt Locker where the main character, back from the war, stands overwhelmed and motionless in the cereal aisle of the grocery store. Note to self, less scheduling and more playing please.

Finally my six-year-old, after much cajoling from me and my husband, says he’d like to go to McDonald’s. To which my husband sarcastically responded “way to aim high, Sammy.” Again soliciting a dramatic eye roll from yours truly.

Realizing the children will be no help we turn to the Internet for ideas of things to do with two small boys in 150 degree weather. Most of what we come up with is shot down by the children. In desperation we propose miniature golf and go-cart racing at CrackerJax which the children agree to. It’s only when we are on the road and look at the internal car thermometer sitting at 109 degrees that we realize this might not be the best parenting moment. Undeterred we press on. And in fact miniature golf proves to be an enormous amount of fun until our eight-year-old nearly collapses from heat stroke on hole twelve. We seek shelter at the indoor arcade which is cheesy and small but nearly deserted. We spend the next hour playing totally rigged games of chance and video games which culminates in us turning our tickets in for an oversized pair of dice, rubber handcuffs, a whoopee cushion, an oversized pen, a miniature orange rubber duckie, and five Pixie Stix. Before leaving the boys beg for a slushie which I agree to as they haven’t really had much in the way of lunch and it seems to me that between the Pixie Stix and the slushie they should have enough sugar to keep from crashing.

But the fun and bad parenting aren’t over yet. I realize we are in close proximity to a fabulous candy store so I ask the boys if they’d like to go to a store that sells only candy. To which they squeal and shriek with delight. At said overpriced candy store my husband and I decide to go for it and let them get whatever they want which translates into forty-eight dollars worth of candy. FORTY-EIGHT DOLLARS OF CANDY. I believe I was experiencing a contact sugar high at this point.

On our way home we grabbed McDonald’s for the boys. Because of the sugar overload they decided to split one happy meal. Does half a Happy Meal count as a anything approaching a nutritious meal? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Amazingly though no one vomited or had diarrhea.

I would like to say that I am contrite and penitent for the poor meal and activity choices with my children but guess what? I’m not. Spending the day like Honey Boo-Boo was awesome! It is healthy to throw out those schedules and live for the moment on occasion. I think once in a Blue Moon is the appropriate amount of time between said lawless days but when that Blue Moon rises by all means, go for it!

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