Are We Done Yet: When To Stop Having Babies?

When my husband and I first decided to try to have babies I remember having this weird and woozy out-of-body moment where I thought to myself, “So this is it? We just decide to have a family and then we get to do it? Shouldn’t I have to get a permit or ask my parents?” Turns out unlike getting your driver’s license or staying out past curfew when you are sixteen, when you are thirty you are indeed, able to just decide for yourself.

Trippy.

So we went ahead and had two beautiful, healthy, happy , crazy sons twenty-one months apart and felt like we had done it – created our family. But then this funny thing happened. While we feeling pretty complete our friends who had children started to take child-bearing off the table completely by one or the other (mostly men) getting as we euphemistically call it in our circle “fixed.” They had their 2.5 kids and had decided their families were complete so viola – they made the decision permanent. Which made my husband and I realize that were – gasp – indecisive procreators. Meaning we really thought we were done but are we “done-done?”

I envied these friends of mine. The idea of not having to worry about contraception makes me nearly giddy. Having been on the pill since I was sixteen I am ready to graduate. The freedom of not having to track down a monthly prescription and then be responsible to take it every day makes me dizzy with anticipation. I’ve tried alternative methods but I end up with ovarian cysts so I always end up back with my friend the pill.

And it’s not just the thought of being free of the daily chore of birth control that has me envious of our friends who have taken the plunge. But how liberating is it to be able to say with 100% certainty that your family is complete? Check that box and let’s move along! .

Of course there is also the medical side to consider. Unless you’ve been living under a rock you know that having babies after the age of thirty-five increases risks significantly for all sort of genetic disorder. My primary care physician, who is my age and has two young sons as well, disclosed to me that she and her husband had decided to stop at two because it would be selfish to chance it – because she better than anyone knows the risks. I am so grateful for her candor as it was a moment of true human connection with her and not some attempt to rain on any baby-making ideas I might have been having. Here’s a medical professional walking in my shoes and sharing why she is in the “get while the gettings good” camp.

But my real reason for holding back on any permanent decisions has nothing to do with anything based in reality or reason. My deep dark twisted secret is that I feel like if my husband and I were to make our family of four a permanent thing it would be the equivalent of declaring to the universe that what we have is perfect (which deep down is how I really do feel). And we’ve all seen the movie right? Just when everyone is happy and content that is when the universe sucker punches us. If your world is in order isn’t it the nature of the universe or God or fate to yank the rug out from underneath you? And do I want to toy with the world order? Not so much. Crazy, right?

So I’ll continue to take my daily pill like the freak I am. Because 99.9% of me is never going back to breastfeeding, sleepless nights, and potty training. While the superstitious .1% intractable minority of me continues to stay the course and keep the cosmos at bay.

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