Complacency: The Enemy of Committed Relationships

My husband, who thinks he is a comedian, told what he believed was a hilarious story to our friends. After he had spent the day doing yard work in the blazing 110 degree Arizona heat he commented to our friends that if it had been a landscaping crew out back tidying up the yard in the hell that is summertime in Arizona I would have been out there every half an hour asking if they wanted water or something cool to drink. To which I pointed out that he didn’t stop what he was doing to offer to wipe my brow as I dusted and vacuumed my way through the house. He responded that it broke his heart to think of me slaving away in the air-conditioned comfort of our home. If you’ve ever been in Arizona in the summer you’d know he has a point.

For real, the man has a point. And it has nothing to do with the withering effects of the desert sun. It has everything to do with the withering effects that taking your partner for granted can cause.

In any long-term relationship there are going to be peaks and valleys. When I find myself in a valley – especially if it is a valley the size of the Grand Canyon and I’m at the bottom looking up thinking “And I am getting out of here how?” At times like these I am painfully aware of all the effort that I am exerting to get back to that peak – or even just a comfortable feeling mid-point. At times like these I am obsessing over how to fix things – I’m acting sweeter, being more understanding, I’m aware of trying to communicate, maybe even seeing a counselor with my husband to try to bring in some outside help to get us through, I’m praying for help, and asking my friends for advice. In short I’m throwing everything at the relationship I can.

But once I am back at a comfortable mid-point or a peak I become a slacker. When my relationship is back on track and firing on all four cylinders I’m flat-out lazy. At that point my attention is focused on whatever happens to be on fire that moment: my job, my children, my friends, losing those ten pounds before me friend’s wedding (I think sewing my lips shut is the only effective method at this point). When I’m in that relationship comfort zone I’ve been known to actually get mad at my husband because he didn’t automatically know what I wanted him to do. We’ve been together so long I believe he can read my mind and am annoyed when apparently he doesn’t take his psychic pill in the morning.

But that happy comfortable time is precisely the time I should be loving on my hubby. Mostly because that is when I am feeling loving towards him – so why not capitalize on those warm and fuzzy feelings? I think the answer is I have to commit to being a consciously loving person. And, that my friends, takes time and energy, which as a working mom are in short supply. One thing I do try to do is to get a “just because” card for my husband every time I find myself in the greeting card aisle buying a card for someone else. I heard a fantastic idea, which I am going to implement as soon as I have – um, time – from another husband I know who thinks every couple should have a wish box. Each person writes down ten things they want to do with their partner on ten slips of paper and put them into the box. Then on alternating weeks the husband and wife pick one out and do it. I giggled hysterically the first time I heard this because I know what my husband (and probably most men) would write down ten times. Yes I just went there.

The point is that we need to stop taking our partners for granted. They are not like the air we breathe. They have feelings and they like it when we show then a little love, gratitude, and respect for all they do for us. Like hanging up twinkle lights in the blazing Arizona sun for the dinner party their crazy wife planned for that evening. Yes, next time there will be water. With ice.

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