Does Teaching My Boys To Be Chivalrous Mean I Am A Feminist Sell-Out?

I am a feminist. If a feminist is someone who believes women and men can share in responsibilities and opportunities regardless of sex then yes I am a feminist. If by feminist you have some vision of a man-hating woman then we are not on the same page. I have two sons, a husband, and two male dogs. If I hated men I’d be spending most of off my life pissed off because I’m surrounded by so much testosterone.

Here’s my problem: if men and women are equal and should treat each other as equals, means that teaching my sons some basic manners feels like I’m undermining that doctrine. Because lets face it, if we are equal how do I explain to my sons why it is they should they hold a door for a woman, or pull out her chair for her when she sits down, or open her car door for her? Is “because mama says so” a good enough reason. And is my real conflict explaining it to my children or is there a teeny bit of me feeling like a sell-out myself the real problem?

Truly, my struggle comes down to my own inability to make these two opposing deeply held beliefs of mine co-exist within my own mind. The thought of my sons not holding a door for a woman makes me crazy. But how do I justify that as a necessity when I also am preaching that girls can do anything that boys can do?

And now it’s time for an embarrassing confession. My conflict of chivalry versus feminism started in eight grade. I remember the exact moment. I was spending the day in downtown Boston with grew friends. As I reached to open the door to walk out if the MBTA station, my friend Jeremy Thaddeus Barnes rushed ahead and opened the donor for me. I stopped in my tracks and growled at him, “what do you think you are doing?” Which caused this crushed look to appear on his face. Which of course only made me nastier (there is nothing meaner than an eighth-grade girl). “I can open. My own door” I snapped as I grabbed the door from him and pushed my way through. A

In that moment, in my foolish twelve-year-old mind I had an epiphany. Jeremy wasn’t trying to insinuate that I was weak or incapable. He was trying to demonstrate with all the earnestness and purity of a young boy’s heart that he respected me. And I spit on that effort. Isn’t respect what we crave from each other as humans – male or female? And if that is true, then what purpose does it serve to belittle one human’s attempt to show respect for another human? And so doesn’t it follow that in a culture that glorifies misogynistic songs and movies that depict females as bitches and hoes that we should counter that by teaching our sons to honor and respect women through their thoughts and more importantly their actions?

I say yes. Emphatically.