Do you know someone who is the just sweetest nicest person in the world? Someone who never has a bad word to say about anyone, possesses limitless amounts of patience, and when you ask them for a favor they truly mean it is no problem at all? Usually this person teaches third grade or is a missionary in Haiti. I happen to know one such woman. She also is the mother of four boys which makes her disposition even more mind boggling. And I swear to you she isn’t a heavy drinker or a popper of prescription drugs.
This saintly woman flew with her four boys cross country to spend Christmas with her family. Her husband wisely met them there after a business trip. This meant she had to manage four boys under the age of twelve on her own. Dear God in Heaven, hand me my Xanax now. But the boys were actually great – thank you Steve Jobs for inventing the iPad.
But what wasn’t so great was the boozy, child hater who boarded the plane for the second leg of the trip. She sat in front of my friend’s youngest child who occupied the window seat. And as she sat down she started to make all sorts of disparaging remarks about children rather loudly to the meathead sitting next to her. This pair worked themselves up into quite a tizzy which culminated in the woman turning around and stage whispering between the seat and the window space to my friend’s four-year-old that if he made noise the devil was going to come get him.
For reals.
Now if someone tells my child something like this I want to be clear about what will happen next. I will tie back my hair, take off my earrings, put Vaseline on my face, and street fight you. But as I mentioned my friend is a saint so she did the responsible adult thing which is she switched seats with her child, politely asked the woman to not talk to her child then informed a flight attendant. The flight attendant was wonderful and basically told the woman she wasn’t allowed to talk to any passengers she had a problem with she needed to talk to him. Period, end of story.
Now look, I know some might read this and secretly – or not so secretly- be thinking the boozy inappropriate woman is just sticking up for all adult travelers who cringe when they see minors on planes. In fact there are all kinds of movements to ban kids from sections of planes or create entirely kid free zones on flights. And those of us who are or have been mothers to small children carry the guilt of having flown with a child who was disruptive in some way on a flight. Oh the shame and horror we feel. I’ve even heard of moms who bring small gift bags to divvy out to those sitting close to them as a peace offering of sorts.
And to all those people who hate kids on flights and to all those moms who feel the shame of flying with their little monsters I say: Get over it. Because 26% of people fly with minors, according to the US Travel Association. This means you have roughly a twenty five percent chance of hitting the kid lottery on you next flight. With odds like that why don’t you invest in some of that crazy newfangled technology like noise canceling headphones, drink a glass of Pinot and shut the hell up?
And am I the only one who has noticed that flying nowadays is the equivalent of boarding a Greyhound bus that can fly? Passengers in flights are packed elbow to elbow with the great masses. This is not Pan Am in the sixties, my friends. Passengers don’t get dressed up and aren’t on their best behavior. People regularly wear things they wouldn’t be caught dead wearing in public like pajamas. And they act like they are in Vegas – drinking and saying inappropriate things are the norm. If you think my kids are the problem I suggest you go to the plane’s lavatory and take a good look in the mirror because you are looking at the problem. You are expecting way too much out of this flight. If you want to relax go to the spa because there is no Zen to be found in economy class.
You know what would be so much more helpful for airline travel than shaming young parents and restricting them from flights: Jackass free flights. Because of the other 74% of people who are traveling child -free I’ve found a great deal of them to be highly annoying and offensive. Like the unbelievably loud and heavily intoxicated women sitting next to me on my flight to St. Louis last October. Or the weird older gentleman who sat next to me and my friend Anna while on our way to Michigan last year who couldn’t stop sharing all sorts of useless information with us while we were trying to kick off a girl’s weekend. Or the countless arm rest stealers – you know who you’re and don’t think you aren’t pissing us off. Or the guy with the snoring problem sitting to your right. I’d like to see you all in your own section or on your own flight. How bout them apples?
But I’m a realist. Most of us are just trying to get safely from point A to point B in a reasonable amount of time for a reasonable cost. So bring on the babies, the alcoholics and the three-hundred-pound travelers. My bar is set low and we are going to have ourselves a drama free flight thanks to Steve Jobs, noise canceling headphones, the wine industry, and my own clear eyed perspective.
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