The number one human fear, according to numerous studies and surveys, is public speaking. It’s not my biggest dear. But it was during a public speaking training session that I realized what my biggest fear actually is: not being thought of as nice. Really, you might be thinking? The realization that I don’t want to be thought of as not nice felt like someone had just slapped me. Hard. It happened as I was receiving “constructive criticism” – criticism that made me feel like I was walking around naked in public, which may actually be my second place greatest fear. I was standing in front of a group of my peers after having given a presentation that had been video taped and as the person who conducted the training began to point out all my failures, that I use hedge words (little, quick, sort of, hope. Words that soften the intended meaning of the message being delivered) and that I use humor and especially self-deprecating humor and these bad habits of mine cut my own credibility.
Basically, it’s not the other person I am up against in a finals presentation I have to worry about. My biggest competitive disadvantage is me.
And as I’m staring out at the group of my peers I had one of those time slowing down moments. I flashed back to Miss O’Sullivan my fourth grade teacher. Miss O’Sullivan was young and pretty and all of her student, me included, adored her. Because I loved her so much I was especially crushed when I received a report card of C’s having always been a straight A student. My parents asked for a meeting with her where she told them that she gave me the Cs to teach me a lesson. I needed to not be such a “know-it-all.” She wanted me to hold back and not shoot my hand up every time she asked a question to give the other children a chance. The lesson I took to heart that year I was nine-years-old was to be nice. And by nice that meant not be as smart, not be as aggressive, not to let myself shine lest others might feel less than me. And though I would have sworn before my public speaking training that I had overcome that freakishly twisted lesson from my formative years as I stood in front of the room that day I realized I had not.
And now I am painfully aware that I am guilty of trying to diminish me so other people think I am a nice person. It’s like having a tic I can’t get rid of. Last week my office mates became aware of a meaningful accomplishment of mine. But every time a colleague congratulated me it was like I couldn’t help myself, I was compelled to diminish my achievement by explaining it wasn’t quite as impressive as it seemed or crediting the success to other factors. Literally as the words were coming out of my mouth the voice inside my head was screaming “WTF!”
And I know I’m not alone out there. I’ve spoken to plenty of professional women who are as guilty as I am. I have one friend who is a Controller of a publicly traded company and admitted to me that at every executive meeting she actually apologizes to everyone because she knows how little most people enjoy going through the numbers.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I believe kindness and being nice to people is the mark of a fully actualized human being. But we need to be able to hold those values while at the same time not making ourselves seem “less.” Nice and Powerful are not mutually exclusive. Nice girls can have the corner office.
For laughter and inspiration read my book The Working Mommy's Manual, available on Amazon.
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