Sleeping Like Michael Jackson

Mama said there’d be days like these – or in my case a month. Really, do I deserve a pity party any more than the next working mom? I mean is my crazy month all that special – two trips away from home (one business one for fun to be fair), end of school year scheduling adjustments, sick dog, unexpected health blip (nothing crazy that a little extra thyroid meds won’t fix), and death of a friend all packed on top of the usual hectic work week and family and social commitments. That’s just life, right?

And normally I’m the one pulling on my big girl panties, looking at myself in the mirror and saying to my reflection “suck it up.” But this month has just worn me out. It hasn’t won yet, but damn, it is coming close. Too close.

But why?

And then I came across a little news item while scanning CNN.com that hit home. It read: Expert: Michael Jackson went 60 days without real sleep. How is this possible? Tell me more! The article went on to describe how Michael’s then doc had him so hopped up on a nightly dose of Propofol that the poor bastard hadn’t had REM sleep in over 60 days. The article likened this medical experiment to the equivalent of giving someone a cellulose tablet that makes them feel full yet not delivering any nutritional value (note to self – might want to talk to that doc about helping shed the last ten pounds before bikini season. Which gives me roughly forty-eight hours)

I know REM sleep is important (I mean, duh, why would there be an epic band named after something that wasn’t of vital importance?). But evidently, according to this article and all the research I read on the internet (you can trust everything you read on the internet, right?) you will die – yes, you heard me right DIE – if you skip REM sleep for an estimated eighty days. Poor Michael was on day 60 because his brilliant doc was giving him Propofol to trick his body into feeling rested without actually getting the rest.

Now I’m no doctor, but guess what else I bet makes your body skip over that deep, incredibly important REM sleep: two trips away from home (one business one for fun to be fair), end of school year scheduling adjustments, sick dog, unexpected health blip (nothing crazy that a little extra thyroid meds won’t fix), and death of a friend all packed on top of the usual hectic work week and family and social commitments.

Even more fascinating were his symptoms: memory loss, paranoia, talking to himself, and hearing voices – just to name the few that jumped right out at me. The expert witness at the trial, Dr. Czeisler, is a sleep consultant (yes it is a real job) for get this: NASA, the CIA, and the Rolling Stones. Rocket scientists, secret agents, and drug addled rock stars? You had me at “hello.” Dr. Czeisler went on to testify that depriving someone of REM sleep for long periods of time makes them paranoid, anxiety-filled, depressed, unable to learn, distracted and sloppy. They lose their balance and appetite while their physical reflexes get 10 times slower and their emotional responses 10 times stronger. OMG, is anyone nodding their heads emphatically besides me right now? Can I get an Amen?

So I’m stocking up on chamomile tea and hot milk. I’ve got the lavender-scented eye-pillow with the warming beads you put in the microwave standing at the ready. I’ve got a noise canceling machine on order from Amazon that utilizes the rhythmic sounds of the ocean. And if all else fails I have two Benadryl pills and a glass of pinot grigio on the nightstand. So here’s to getting quality sleep. And truly, Michael, I hope you are finally resting in peace.

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