Talking to Your Children About Death

This is tough stuff and I’m not going to sugar-coat it. One of my dearest friends just passed away and I’d say the hardest challenge as a mom was what, when, and how to bring my children in the loop. So the following post is my two cents, for what they’re worth, of the down and dirty considerations you might also face if you and your family lose someone you love.

I would like to preface that giving you “tips for talking with children about death” is nearly as vast a generalization as is me sharing my thoughts on “tips for talking to adults about death.” And that right there is tip number one:

1. Children are as varied in their personalities as adults so you must be prepared for anything.

Lets face it, some of us have quiet children (and I so envy you), some of us have thoughtful children, some of us have exuberant children, and some of us have evil geniuses (check please). My thoughtful child had a much more measured (and much more delayed) response than my evil genius. And neither of them reacted like my friend’s daughters did when she told them. My friend’s daughters had a ton of tough questions they wanted answered immediately. So naturally I prepared myself to be able to face any questions my boys might ask with stoicism and a stiff upper lip. Instead when I broke the new to my sons that Miss Susan’s medicine was not making her better and she would be going to Heaven that statement was met by the sound of crickets chirping. I was floored. Where were all my questions I had so bravely readied myself for?

Instead my evil genius freaked out fifteen minutes later because I couldn’t confirm a play date for the next day. I mean he lost his mind. I knew that level of meltdown wasn’t completely tied to the play date. When I pushed him to tell me why he was so upset he finally broke down and said it was because Miss Susan was going to die and that made him sad, at which point I shared that it made me sad too as I started to sob and then we just hugged each other and sobbed together for fifteen minutes. Since then he doesn’t want me to talk about it and if I do bring it up he wants me to move own from the subject immediately.

My thoughtful son didn’t have a question or an emotional response until days later when we were alone. Instead of talking about Miss Susan he started out by asking why we never talk about our dog, Fisk, who had died two years earlier. Interestingly, as a family we do talk about Fisk fairly regularly so my thoughtful son clearly was using this as a stand in for talking about Susan which I will admit I didn’t talk much about with them. As suspected stories about Fisk led to questions about Susan. My thoughtful son was fixated on how Susan got cancer and at one point asked me if she did bad things when she went to sleep and that was why she got cancer. Baffled I responded that Miss Susan was much less naughty than me so that couldn’t be the case. It wasn’t until the next day when I spoke to my mom that she figured out that my thoughtful son was really wondering if the bad dreams he must be having would come true. When I asked my son if this is what he meant he confirmed that he was wondering if his bad dream of falling into a chasm would come true.

And the boys versus girls thing doesn’t really hold water here either. Some kids need control so they don’t want to deal with it until they are ready. Some kids are naturally curious. Some of my friends sons were better at putting their emotions into words and some girls wanted to move right along when they heard the news about Susan.

So be prepared for anything as these little people have personalities and minds all their own.

#2. You as a parent must trust your gut about when and what to share.

As I mentioned in tip #1, I didn’t talk about Susan more than I felt was absolutely necessary. Mostly because I didn’t want to worry my boys. Also I was a teary mess whenever I talked about it. But then I realized that my crying episodes and days spent in bed crying and sleeping after receiving particularly bad news about Susan’s battle with cancer were probably more scary to them because they seemed to be without cause. I’d try to cry in my closet away from them or dry my tears by the time I picked them up from school. But our kids know when we are sad no matter how fantastic we think our acting skills are.

So when Susan ran out of treatment options I shared it with them. Mostly because I was a freaking mess but also because I knew I had to start easing them into the next eventual conversation I didn’t want to have with them. All I can say is keep it simple and let them ask their questions in their own time.

Specifically, I was convinced they’d wonder if this meant I was going to die. But they haven’t asked so I haven’t said specifically that this doesn’t mean that I will die soon as well. Because why plant a seed I don’t want to take root in their minds?

But another friend of mine did have her daughter ask her to never leave her the day after she told her about Susan. So refer to tip #1, be prepared to answer anything and there are no hard and fast rules

#3. This is the non-sugar-coated-wildly-opinionated-and-not-based-on-any-research-other-than-my-own-recent-experience-tip. If you are going to talk to your kids about death you need to be very clear about your thoughts about the afterlife before you talk to them. The time for hedging your bets or being wishy-washy is not when your child needs answers about something really scary like death. I have to say this part was easier for me because I have a strong faith about what happens after we die. But it made me think of my dad, who is an atheist and how he might have to approach a topic like death with my kids. So while my father has no problems telling me that he thinks we all just become worm food and there is no afterlife that could be a tad bit harsh for children under the age of sixteen. So for all you atheists out there maybe just stick with the person will be at peace, which is technically the truth because if you die and that’s it, you are just dead, so nothing to be upset about, right?

But whatever you say to your children, say it with empathy and say it with conviction. They need love and assurance more than ever when dealing with death for the first time.

So while I truly hope you never have to use these three tips, I do also truly hope that if you have to that they offer you some small measure of comfort. This sucks, but you are not alone.

If you like my blog you’ll love my book. Buy The Working Mommy’s Manual on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Working-Mommys-Manual-Nicole-Corning/dp/0615637418/ref=cm_sw_em_r_dp_6ZRcqb0QFT7P8_tt