The Eight Most Important Lessons I Learned From My Year As a Golfer

For my thirtieth birthday my husband bought me a set of golf clubs and lessons. Three months later I found out I was pregnant. I felt motherhood was more than enough of a new hobby to take up at the time. So unfortunately, those clubs spent the better part of the last decade sitting in our garage gathering dust. Until this year…

This was the year I decided that I had waited long enough. This was the year I was going to become a golfer. I was spurred into action for a couple of important reasons. I work in the financial industry where golf is seemingly the official pastime. There’s an industry or charity golf tournament nearly every month and I was sick of my self-exile from these networking opportunities. The other really important reason was that I realized at some point my husband and I would be empty-nesters, which meant that if we didn’t make an effort to find common interests we could be staring blankly at each other in ten years trying desperately to make conversation. Since he loves golf I figured, why not kill two birds with one stone.

I need to be honest here and say that the decision to golf last year was also accompanied by a boatload of anxiety. I knew in my head that golfing was something I wanted to do. But actually doing it was completely nerve-wracking. Mostly because I hate to fail and I hate to look stupid. Both of which I knew were inevitable. And there were definitely times that my fear of humiliation overrode my logical desire to learn a new skill that would be useful both personally and professionally. So I’ve created the following list of recommendations and tips I wish I had when I began my quest to become a golfer last year. Sorry for the odd number but there are eight because that’s how many I really have.

1. Get a girlfriend to be your wing-woman. This is the most important lesson I learned. Having a friend who is holding you accountable to “become a golfer” means that when you start to get some crazy idea in your head like you are going to ditch a tournament last-minute because you don’t want to look like a jackass in front of your co-workers you have someone to talk you off the ledge. It also means you have someone who will laugh with you when your shot defies all laws of physics and nearly breaks your nose. True story.

2. Almost everyone else sucks at golf too. So while you are super sucky as a beginner, surprisingly most folks aren’t that much better than you. This is especially true, I’ve found, at industry golf events where drinking is just as much a part of the day as golfing itself.

3. Don’t ever drink before the 9th hole. Ever. Just trust me on this.

4. Hole fourteen feels like the twenty-second mile of a marathon. You will hit your wall and start wondering what masochist made this game eighteen holes long. Which is partly the reason for rule #3. When you hit hole fourteen and start to doubt you’ll be able to make it to eighteen I’m telling you, you’ve got to just dig deep and repeat this mantra: “I’m almost done, I’m almost done, I’m almost done.” Four more holes can feel like the equivalent of scaling Mount Everest, so you need to Jedi-mind trick yourself into viewing it as the home stretch.

5. People will tolerate your super sucky golf game as long as you aren’t slow and you demonstrate proper golf etiquette. If you can be charming and amusing that doesn’t hurt either. But truly as long as you aren’t slowing down the pace and you aren’t ruining anyone else’s game with your bad golf manners people will be happy to have you tag along. So for instance, don’t search for a lost ball for longer than thirty seconds. Remember you are a sucky player and will lose a lot of balls, don’t waste your time and everyone else’s just come prepared with lots of balls and keep playing. Another good example is that for the love of all things holy do not talk on your phone on the golf course. Texting and posting pics to social media is acceptable because they can be done quietly. But unless it is an emergency call coming in do not take it on the course. Golfers HATE this.

6. Take a lesson. If you want to maintain a haply relationship with your significant other do not let them try to teach you how to golf. There’s a good chance one of you will end up using a golf club for something it wasn’t intended for (think of the former Mrs. Woods). Also I wasn’t joking about golf etiquette, you need to have at least a vague understanding before you step foot on a course so get the basics from a pro.

7. Stand your ground. When my foursome is running behind there are times I will pick up my ball after a bad shot and just walk it to the green to put it. I don’t want to slow us down any more than necessary. As a beginner and a sucky golfer this is typically appreciated as you are taking one for the team. However, since lesson #2 is that everyone sucks don’t feel you have to skip out on practicing your game while your male companions take endless “mulligans.” If that happens call those bastards on it and start making every shot and looking for every ball. They’ll get the idea quickly, even if they ignore rule #3.

8. Don’t keep score while you are learning the game. There are already enough mental obstacles to overcome you don’t need to confirm you are a sucky golfer. Just get out there and focus on the beauty of the course, the sun, the companionship and the simplicity of one of the most heartbreakingly wonderful sports you’re likely to ever play.