Top Three Criteria for Finding a Mommy Mentor

It seems like every time I read a book, article, or a blog discussing strategies for advancing as a professional woman nine times out of ten it will be suggested that we working women need to find mentors. Sometimes they’ll be called by different names but these more senior professionals all serve the purpose of helping us to advance our careers and help guide us through inevitable workplace challenges. And while I think it is absolutely helpful to find mentors to help us in our professional lives, it is even more critical that as mothers we find mentors to help us navigate an even more important, anxiety-provoking and at times downright terrifying aspect of our lives: being mothers.

I’ve been incredibly lucky to have found a two such amazing women. The perspective, advice and safe place to vent my darkest fears is priceless. They’ve held my hand in my darkest times as a mother and told me it’s going to be okay. And I believe them because they’ve walked the same path and come out on the other side.

But before you go rushing out to snag yourself a mentor all your own let me share a few tips for making sure you find the right one for you – or as I like to call her: the mother of all mentors!

1. Her children should be older than yours by at least four years. In fact, don’t be afraid of someone with kids who are significantly older. When you are in the weeds fighting to not lose your mind or leave your children on the side of the road you need assurance from someone who has been there, done that and has come through the other side. These women need to give you the long view – like you think this is bad just wait until he’s a teenager and you will be begging for these “good old days!” Your friends with kids the same age can certainly help you out as well – and are an important part of helping you keep your sanity – but let’s face it it’s like the blind leading the blind. You need someone who has the battle scars to prove she’s made it through the tough times and you trust her because quite frankly you can see how her kids turned out.

2. I highly recommend finding someone who absolutely doesn’t claim to be the perfect mom. I have no interest in hearing the mommy propaganda machine about how because you breast fed your child until age twelve, made every meal with GMO free farm raised tofu and read Proust to your child in utero that your children are destined to be leaders of the free world. I don’t need anyone making me feel guiltier for my poor parenting choices (my mom does a good enough job of that already). And quite frankly if you haven’t made mistakes you are either a big fat liar, totally out of touch with reality, or someone I couldn’t possibly hope to emulate since I screw up every day. In any case, this type of mom is not mentoring material.

3. You need to be willing to hear the truth. And sometimes the truth stings and feels terrible. But that is the whole purpose of finding a mommy mentor – you need someone who can coach you to become the best mom you can possibly be. Which means they need to call you out on your crap. So make sure your mentor is someone who can deliver tough advice in a way that you will be open to hearing.