What We Can Learn from the Duggars

As mothers I think we can all agree that there is nothing worse than seeing our children hurt.  But to know that hurt was caused by another one of our children would be a pure and special kind of torture no one should have to endure.  You hurt my kids, I hurt you.  How does that work when the person you are so angry at is someone you carried in your body for nine months?  How can you reconcile those emotions?  So as a mother my heart breaks for Michelle Duggar.  Michelle and I couldn’t be more polar opposite when it comes to social or political issues but as a mom I feel for the terrible pain she and her family endured.

And I think that as we all issue a collective gasp at the scandal the Duggar family is dealing with now and tsk, tsk and second guess how the Duggars handled the situation it gives us all an opportunity to look in the mirror and get real.  According to the FBI only 1%-10 % of molestation cases are ever disclosed (FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin).  And as insane as that statistic is it make sense when you consider that 90% of child sexual abuse victims know the offender is some way and that 68% of abusers are family members (DoSomething.org). And it makes even more sense when you consider that 23% of offenders are under the age of 18 (US Department of Justice)

So here you have a shameful disgusting crime that is committed by someone your family knows, likes, and trusts – and in most cases are related to – so it’s understandable that to some degree it seems unbelievable.  It also makes sense that people like Mike Huckabee want to downplay it as a childish indiscretion.  Because who wants to admit that the person they call friend, uncle, brother, sister, or father could violate a child’s trust in the worst possible way?  Certainly this wonderful person in your life couldn’t do such vile things.  It would mean that you were totally mistaken about their character.  So now it’s the victims fault or they are overreacting.

I consider myself pretty average – white middle class, middle aged gal.  Yet I know of molestation that took place in my own family, in my husband’s family and in the family of close friends.  In my husband’s and friend’s family both victims were blamed and the perpetrator was never punished. – In fact it was the victim who was punished.  In my family, no one ever talked about it except to warn me to never be in the same room alone with this individual – which was very confusing as a young child.

So instead of pointing fingers at the Duggars, let’s use this as a chance to talk about what we’d really do if we were in their shoes.  Would we turn a blind eye, as so many families do?  Would we destroy someone we know, love and trust by telling the truth?  How would we protect and support the victim?  How would we make sure there were no future victims?  Let’s learn from this family’s pain how to be stronger and braver and protect those who need it the most – our children.