Ever since I gave birth to my first child I cry at anything. Anything. Those abused animal commercials accompanied by the soulful Sarah McLachlan literally have me sobbing for entire days. Once my son Jack was born I felt as if I’ve had a layer of skin removed. I feel everything and it cuts me to the quick. In the early days of being a new mother I couldn’t understand why I had developed this new and weird weakness.
Until the day I realized it wasn’t a weakness at all. It was a super-power.
Most moms will agree that having children pulls us from our pre-baby, fairly self-absorbed existence to one in which we would do literally anything for our children to the point where our needs are a distant second. American Dolls pretty much banks on this fact, am I right? Before children, things that happened to “other people” were easily dismissed. After I gave birth I realized I now had two little humans running around. Now things that happened to other people were easily translated into things that could happen to my children. And that’s the super-power: absolute and complete empathy.
As mothers there is nothing more upsetting than to think of something hurting our children. I typically can’t watch even fictitious stories about murdered or missing children – and news stories, just forget it. So with the recent publicity surrounding the seemingly senseless murder of young black boys – Michael, Jordan, Trayvon – I know as a white woman I couldn’t help but picture my sons in the same situations as those young men and….sob. And then once I get started I couldn’t help but be sickened thinking of all those moms of African-American boys who have to have “the talk” with their sons: how to behave when dealing with the police.
And I want to be clear here: this is not a moment to bash the police, or even the grown men who murdered these boys. Because I think pointing the finger at someone else is too easy. It lets us all off the hook. Because the bigotry that drove these horrific acts starts early. It starts at home. It starts with us moms.
A Pew Research Center survey found that 43% of homes have women who call the shots: everything from what the family does on the weekend, what to watch on TV, to where the family lives. 31% of couples make these decisions equally and only 26% of homes have men making the sole decision. Duh, you might be thinking. But this is powerful stuff. Holy cow, women are decision makers in nearly three quarters of American households. We mothers set the tone and standards for our family. And really we didn’t need a research study to tell us that.
And this is one of those moments in American history that we as mothers need to assert what is right and what is wrong. We need to take a stand and say it’s not okay that some of us must have a painful and terrible discussion with our sons who we love more than life itself. Those jokes and “off-color” comments at cocktail parties can’t be tolerated anymore. They are offensive and they hurt. And we are all guilty – white, black, Indian, Latina. We all have to own it. Turning blind eyes to the subtle bigotry that still sadly pervades our society isn’t an option anymore. And we all as mothers must commit to end this sentiment of “us ” and “them.”
What we’ve been doing up until now isn’t working and our children are dying. There isn’t a more obvious course of action. We as mothers must start in our homes. We must be the change we want to see in the world. We must embrace and support each other as mothers in the most important job any of us have – being mothers. Let’s not tolerate one more mother having to bury her child.
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