Daniel Murphy, second baseman for the New York Mets, was excoriated by New York Sports Radio commentators last week for choosing to be with his wife for the birth their first son and (gasp) taking the next two days off to bond and connect with his new baby and support his wife. Talk show host, Mike Francesca, said that when you have unique employment “you have a job to do.” Wow, all this anger just because a father decided to take advantage of baseball’s “generous” three-day paternity leave policy (I just threw up in my mouth a little after having written those words – even the quotation marks couldn’t save me). And bless his caveman heart, but Boomer Esiason, even went on record stating that if it had been him he would have told his wife to have had a C-section before the season started. Can I have a show of hands how many women are giddy with relief you aren’t married to Boomer Esiason? Still trying to wrap my mind around what kind of man would put the life and health of his wife and unborn child at risk to accommodate a team schedule. Nope, can’t do it.
I’ve spent days pondering the innumerable ways this is offensive to me as a wife, mother, and worker. And part of me wonders if should I give them a break because they’ve never actually been pregnant or birthed a baby so they don’t know first hand how these two things can reduce even the toughest of us women folk to a mound of quivering Jello? I mean I want to be fair and not just some stereotypical unreasonable, shrieking, feminist, man-hating harpy. Because I’m not, you know, unreasonable. Or man hating. Love my husband, love my two sons, love my daddy and my two male rescue dogs. But you know what I do hate? When life isn’t fair. When the rules aren’t set up equally for all of us. And when because of that inequity we produce some disgusting unintended consequences.
I’ve always had a lot of men as friends. And quite frankly, I when I was younger I never thought there was anything they could do that I couldn’t. I never felt disadvantaged being a woman, that is, until I became pregnant. That is when everyone started asking if I was going to stay home after the baby was born. At first it seemed like a sweet old-fashioned question maybe about the first dozen times I was asked. Then it became beyond frustrating as I realized that people on some level were questioning my commitment to my professional career. In one very grumpy moment I even asked my husband how many people had asked him if he was going to stay home with the baby. He brilliantly sidestepped the question knowing there was no right answer.
When Marissa Mayer, the CEO of Yahoo, decided to take two weeks of maternity leave the backlash against her was hideous. Her work life balance was criticized and she was derided as not being a suitable role model for young women. Even internationally, a representative of the German government slammed Mayer for her decision to take abbreviated maternity leave. Can you say punching bag?
If we apply Mike Francesca’s definition I might not qualify for having unique employment but certainly Marissa Mayer as CEO of a Fortune 500 company qualifies. So why is everyone questioning how little time she took for maternity leave? It’s nearly seven times the amount afforded Daniel Murphy. Benchmarked against MLB’s standards she’s going overboard. After all she has unique employment so she has a job to do, right? I mean, its reasonable to assume the Mets have some bench depth or someone they can all up from their farm team to cover two of the one-hundred-and-sixty-two regular season games played by the Mets. But who can Yahoo call up to cover for their CEO for two whole weeks? There are twelve-thousand-three-hundred folks at Yahoo who are counting on Marissa to make sure the company is functioning and profitable.
Doesn’t seem fair, does it? Not much is fair and equal when it comes to being either a father or mother who works.
And I would contend that this subconscious double standard our society applies to mothers versus fathers has more than a little to do with the astronomical rates of children born out-of-wedlock and a culture of absentee fatherhood. Do you know there are actual lists of professional athletes who have illegitimate children? Yes folks, The scores have been tallied and the amount of professional athletes with multiple baby mammas is just pathetic. We’re talking multiple children by multiple women in the same year. And some of the guys on these lists are guys we like (how can you not love Mike Tyson after watching The Hangover?). They aren’t terrible human beings. They are just products of a culture that puts motherhood on a pedestal in an unhealthy way and marginalizes the roles of fathers with unhealthy results. What little boys don’t idolize sports figures? What is the message we are sending them when we imply that when you are an athlete taking time to be a father is bad but fathering numerous children whom you take no responsibility for is okay?
So I’m going to talk to my two young sons about not only what a great athlete Daniel Murphy is but also what a great dad and husband he is. And how that is what makes a man someone worth idolizing.
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