I had a lightbulb moment last week. I was being interviewed on a local radio show by two guys – one who admittedly had no children and one who looked about twelve years old. I thought it was going to be the Working Mommies educational hour. Well it turns out the twelve year old was a loving dad of one – soon to be two – young children. His wife was an optometrist and he was a fully involved, supportive working dad. And he wasn’t in need of lessons. In fact he schooled me. And not to knock the other guy who turned out to be the proud son of a working mom – before being one was cool. What’s that saying about assuming something makes an a** out of you? I’m having the tee-shirt made.
But let’s get back to the young dad and his insight that rocked my world. So I’m prattling on about all the adversity faced by us working moms and I am on a roll when the young dad asks me in all innocence during the commercial break, “You know, there is so much in the news about working moms lately, but what about us working dads?” And I thought to myself, boy what kind of crazy are you talking about? And since I do not have even a teeny tiny bit of a poker face I’m sure my expression said it all to him.
But then I got it.
You know it’s not all about just advocating for our rights as working mothers. It’s about advocating for equality for working dads that will level the playing field for all of us. Things that seem silly or are unconscious biases against working dads make it harder for us working mothers. For instance, when my husband and I had our first child we thought it was simply amazing that my husband got two weeks of paternity leave. But if bonding time with a new baby is so important shouldn’t it be both parents are offered time off to be with their new baby? Shouldn’t the discussion be which parent should stay home with the baby? Shouldn’t companies offer mothers and fathers the same time off to bond with their newborns? Merely even calling it maternity and paternity leave draws a line in the sand about who society thinks should be staying home with the baby. Now I get that most families need at least one parent working for financial reasons. I also understand having delivered two large healthy sons of my own that a woman’s body needs some time to heal. But do you get the larger point I’m trying to make here?
I think next time we find out a coworker – either male or female – is having a baby we should ask them which if any parent is going to take time off to care for the baby. Ad we shouldn’t assume it’s the mother who is going to stay home. And the next time we go to a restaurant we need to ask if there is a changing table in the men’s room. And if there isn’t we need to complain to the manager. Can’t men change a diaper too?
Because it’s these little subtle messages we send to men and women that reinforce the gender roles that have been assigned to us. It’s the little things that go unnoticed and unchallenged that perpetuate this notion that women care for babies and dads provide for them. So be brave, speak up, and don’t let our working dads down!
For laughter and inspiration read my book The Working Mommy's Manual, available on Amazon.
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